“I” Statements

I have been reading back and have noticed something. (Funny with the title of this it starts off with an “I”). I have used a lot of “I” statements. It’s “I, I, I”. Self reflection probably has a lot to do with that which can be very positive and constructive, yet there is so much more. My intent is not only self reflection but also to share the person that I am at a much deeper level. There is another “I'”…Lord it’s kinda hard to not use that word.

Too much focus is being given, maybe, on how people perceive some of my things, actions, etc. A better…maybe not better but additional focus could be elsewhere. There is a world of people around me. They have value and desires and love and all of those beautiful things and they also deserve some attention. Shifting some focus. It’s time.

Mothers Are Angels

The title above, coming from me, should not be taken lightly. As my close friends know….I’m not religious. Not in the slightest. But, because of my background, I do associate the word “Angel” with something good, right, honest, loving, caring and very beautiful. Now that I’ve prefaced that….

I was talking to my Momma last night. She mentioned something that made me think. She said “I feel like when we talk you tend to write.” She isn’t wrong. My initial response to her was “It helps to talk through things. But, it has to come out through my fingers for me to feel better.” She completely understood. 100% She wasn’t offended. She didn’t feel like SHE wasn’t enough. What I saw was that she took the opportunity (and was thankful for it) to be a vessel for something that I needed. No judgement. Always there.

There were a LOT of years that I never even spoke to my Mother. In the past several years that has changed. In the last few years I speak to her daily. And my day is not complete unless I have heard her voice. It can be a 5 minute conversation (rare) or one that lasts for 2 hours. I fuss at her for talking to other people when we’re on the phone. She laughs at me when I get annoyed. She tells me when I’m being stupid. Then I get quiet because if she actually says that (she never actually calls me “stupid” cause my Momma is a little more creative with her constructive words) she’s usually right. And she tells me so. “Sissy….you know I’m right.” Yep, Momma, I do. You don’t call it unless you see it and you are one that can actually put me in my place in a positive way. Thank you.

She has my back all of the time. She talks me down if I get too angry. She talks sense into me when I’m being unreasonable (yeah it happens….don’t tell everyone…it’s a secret.) She supports me even if she doesn’t necessarily share the same type of opinion as long as I’m not doing any damage to another person which I always try VERY hard not to do. She is EVERYTHING a daughter could need. Especially a daughter like me.

I love and appreciate her with everything in me. I can only hope that I provide that same support, energy, love and affection to my children. She is a beautiful example. I would be honored to follow in those footsteps. Always an Angel to me.

And, Momma, it’s true. When we talk…..I write. I love you.

Hard

Someone told me tonight that I had a poor attitude. It made them uncomfortable that I was so direct. I am direct. Anyone that knows me knows THAT very thing about me. Even if they know little else. And several probably don’t know a ton about me because I don’t share it all. Why should I? I’m going to stray a little bit from that road tonight because I think it would be good if I did – if I gave a little insight into why I handle things the way that I do.

When I was young and not with my Momma, beginning at age 7, I was with my grandparents. When I was with Momma it was a single parent home after about the age of 10 but I was still primarily with my grandparents. They were traveling evangelists. I DID have the opportunity to travel the country and see some amazing things. For that I am forever grateful. Aside from that, the evangelistic experience was not so great. I realized…around the age of 10…that I was being deprived of any kind of childhood because “people’s souls” had become my responsibility. That was intended to be my focus. Saving people. That is a heavy burden for the 10 year old that I was. I cried myself to sleep so many nights because I didn’t think I did enough to save people from the “pits of hell”.

Friends? No clue what those were. Not really at that age. I had acquaintances in multiple states. Pen pals. School? That was done on the divan as we drove down the highway in the midst of getting road sick from trying to read while the vehicle was moving. The extra 4 “classes” a day – on top of the normal 6-8? That consisted of Bible (first and foremost), keyboard, guitar and vocal. An hour of each. Afterwards….time for housework. And I did it all. Taught me hard work and determination for sure, but it certainly sucked. A single not perfectly clean dish and I had to pull every single dish, pot, pan, silverware from the cabinet and rewash them….whether they were clean or not. Bear in mind it was discovered later that I’m half blind.

I was a 9 year old sitting outside of the motorhome with a five gallon bucket, a plunger and my knuckles scrubbing socks so they were the whitest white I could get them. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve done laundry that way and how many times my knuckles were bloody. If I’m ever in a position like that again, I know what to do. For that I am grateful.

So many times the pantry was bare and we were blessed to have people come to the motorhome steps and bring a few bags of groceries. That was food we made sure lasted for a long time because, honestly, there was no guarantee where we might get the next. Gas for the motorhome was expensive and sales at the grocery store weren’t often good enough for Grandma’s taste. My grandmother could make anything last for ages and was an incredible cook. She taught me SO much in the kitchen. I’ve carried those lessons with me into adulthood.

At 12 I was push mowing a 3 acre lot in 100 + degree weather (self propelled wasn’t really a thing then) drinking water from the hose on my break. I actually enjoy remembering drinking from the hose, although not so much the mowing. LOL! Go figure.

I was my Grandpa’s “gopher” when he was working on ANYTHING. He taught me young to know the difference between tools, how to change my oil, my tire, my brakes, an alternator, etc. I even helped him carry a 300 lb concrete bench once when I was still only like 11. I don’t use those skills today but I could if I had to. That man forever had my back and would’ve killed for me. I miss him dearly and love him forever.

Around 14/15, I left the life of ministry and was presented with the challenge of being a “social” person. Massive fail for me. I didn’t have social skills. It is something I still struggle with.

I have been a victim of sexual assault. Unfortunately on more than one occasion. That experience can complicate things in a number of ways.

I married, had two amazing, handsome, respectful and intelligent boys. That marriage didn’t make it. Remarried and had a different kind of struggle. The details of that don’t need to be published publicly. Those close to me now understand both sides of that spectrum. But, let’s just say it wasn’t easy for either one of us.

I have worked my way “up the ladder” at my job for 21 years without even having a high school diploma. I did get my GED but I still don’t feel like it’s the same. However, hard work and determination and being HARD in many ways got me there.

I have struggled with alcohol addiction. Bad place to be. Hard to come back from. And I kick myself in the ass for it often because I saw as a child what it did to people, yet I found myself in a similar position. Leave it to me to “learn my own lesson” instead of from others. One of my faults.

These different experiences have molded me. In some ways better than others. I understand that. Am I hard? Yep. Sure can be. Am I direct? Without question. If I have made up my mind, rest assured I have analyzed my position a million times in my head. You can try to change my mind but it won’t be easy. Am I abrasive? Most often. I like colorful adjectives. Am I real? 100% Do I love? Without hesitation. Do I help? Whenever I can within my means. I do have a heart. Do I take shit from people? Burn me once shame on you. Burn me twice shame on me. I don’t often repeat the same mistake twice. And I am learning more about boundaries.

I could add so much more…but why? This is basics.

So, yeah. Most people who look at me and take face value see something hard and uncaring. BUT, those people who have taken the time to get to KNOW me see something much deeper. I have things to give and am willing to for people who don’t take advantage of it. I’ve worked really hard to be where I am and I don’t even care about the financial part. I mean the mental, emotional, just as a PERSON part. I’m not going to give that up. So, I guess, deal with my HARD. It came naturally and if you care to see ALL of me, you’ll see more than just that.

Devil Left Angel Right

I remember some things during my childhood/young adult years that taught me a lot about life. I learned a lot about love, forgiveness, putting others needs before your own, hard work, ethics, dedication, faithfulness, humility, pain, regret, heartache, depression, financial burden, anger, violence, etc. I learned each lesson. I learned to appreciate and hold dear the joy that was a result of the ones that are beautiful by default and I do my best to carry that to others. I also learned ways to protect myself from the results of the ones that weren’t so pretty and caused a good deal of pain. Walls. Keep them up. Keep out the bad, be really fucking careful about what you let in and make sure it’s actually good. Avoid conflict…at all costs (which was actually a VERY poor choice). Some of my defense mechanisms are not really so great, in all honesty – especially from a mental health perspective. I found myself in a situation today where I felt taken advantage of, abandoned, verbally abused, misunderstood, and so very much OVERWHELMED. I know I’m not the only one who deals with these things, but damn it, today was really fucking hard. I found myself reacting in my “typical” ways. First anger. Then tears. Then frustration. More tears. Then nope, I’ll beat this….I always do…Can’t fucking get to me….I’ll prove it…Go ahead and try one more time and see how hard you fall in your failure to break me down…along with the fact that one more person has been added to my list that will NEVER make me shed another tear again. I’m on a ledge here. I have devil/angel on the shoulder scenario and I’m trying really hard to find a “somewhere in the middle” and fair solution. There is the protected side of me that wants to say “fuck off” and the other side that says “Girl…take the high road”. I’m trying really hard to take the high road, but if I’m honest I really don’t WANT to. I want to fight back.

Inadequate

Do you ever have those moments when you feel and appreciate something but the words that come to mind to describe that “thing” just seem inadequate? I’m there right now. My brain is processing and I’m not finding the right word(s) which is why I’m writing. It’ll come out eventually.

I have heard several times how my independence, stubbornness, drive, etc. are off-putting. It’s intimidating or offensive. I never, in my life, associated those (what I feel are) negative connotations to those character traits that I happen to have. I always thought of them to be traits of a strong woman. Period. Not everyone shares that opinion and that’s ok.

Having been told so many times in the last couple of years that those things are not admirable or acceptable; they are offensive or difficult has been very hard for me. Tell me it’s challenging, that’s cool. A good challenge can be really positive. But, today, someone admired them, respected them, saw value in them, and noticed there is way more to me than those few “intimidating” things.

It feels nice to be heard. It feels nice for someone to treat me in a way that they would expect me to treat them. It’s nice to see a two way street where the traffic rules work the way they are intended.

I suppose the most adequate word is…respect. There it is folks. Just took a little writing to get it out.