Hard

Someone told me tonight that I had a poor attitude. It made them uncomfortable that I was so direct. I am direct. Anyone that knows me knows THAT very thing about me. Even if they know little else. And several probably don’t know a ton about me because I don’t share it all. Why should I? I’m going to stray a little bit from that road tonight because I think it would be good if I did – if I gave a little insight into why I handle things the way that I do.

When I was young and not with my Momma, beginning at age 7, I was with my grandparents. When I was with Momma it was a single parent home after about the age of 10 but I was still primarily with my grandparents. They were traveling evangelists. I DID have the opportunity to travel the country and see some amazing things. For that I am forever grateful. Aside from that, the evangelistic experience was not so great. I realized…around the age of 10…that I was being deprived of any kind of childhood because “people’s souls” had become my responsibility. That was intended to be my focus. Saving people. That is a heavy burden for the 10 year old that I was. I cried myself to sleep so many nights because I didn’t think I did enough to save people from the “pits of hell”.

Friends? No clue what those were. Not really at that age. I had acquaintances in multiple states. Pen pals. School? That was done on the divan as we drove down the highway in the midst of getting road sick from trying to read while the vehicle was moving. The extra 4 “classes” a day – on top of the normal 6-8? That consisted of Bible (first and foremost), keyboard, guitar and vocal. An hour of each. Afterwards….time for housework. And I did it all. Taught me hard work and determination for sure, but it certainly sucked. A single not perfectly clean dish and I had to pull every single dish, pot, pan, silverware from the cabinet and rewash them….whether they were clean or not. Bear in mind it was discovered later that I’m half blind.

I was a 9 year old sitting outside of the motorhome with a five gallon bucket, a plunger and my knuckles scrubbing socks so they were the whitest white I could get them. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve done laundry that way and how many times my knuckles were bloody. If I’m ever in a position like that again, I know what to do. For that I am grateful.

So many times the pantry was bare and we were blessed to have people come to the motorhome steps and bring a few bags of groceries. That was food we made sure lasted for a long time because, honestly, there was no guarantee where we might get the next. Gas for the motorhome was expensive and sales at the grocery store weren’t often good enough for Grandma’s taste. My grandmother could make anything last for ages and was an incredible cook. She taught me SO much in the kitchen. I’ve carried those lessons with me into adulthood.

At 12 I was push mowing a 3 acre lot in 100 + degree weather (self propelled wasn’t really a thing then) drinking water from the hose on my break. I actually enjoy remembering drinking from the hose, although not so much the mowing. LOL! Go figure.

I was my Grandpa’s “gopher” when he was working on ANYTHING. He taught me young to know the difference between tools, how to change my oil, my tire, my brakes, an alternator, etc. I even helped him carry a 300 lb concrete bench once when I was still only like 11. I don’t use those skills today but I could if I had to. That man forever had my back and would’ve killed for me. I miss him dearly and love him forever.

Around 14/15, I left the life of ministry and was presented with the challenge of being a “social” person. Massive fail for me. I didn’t have social skills. It is something I still struggle with.

I have been a victim of sexual assault. Unfortunately on more than one occasion. That experience can complicate things in a number of ways.

I married, had two amazing, handsome, respectful and intelligent boys. That marriage didn’t make it. Remarried and had a different kind of struggle. The details of that don’t need to be published publicly. Those close to me now understand both sides of that spectrum. But, let’s just say it wasn’t easy for either one of us.

I have worked my way “up the ladder” at my job for 21 years without even having a high school diploma. I did get my GED but I still don’t feel like it’s the same. However, hard work and determination and being HARD in many ways got me there.

I have struggled with alcohol addiction. Bad place to be. Hard to come back from. And I kick myself in the ass for it often because I saw as a child what it did to people, yet I found myself in a similar position. Leave it to me to “learn my own lesson” instead of from others. One of my faults.

These different experiences have molded me. In some ways better than others. I understand that. Am I hard? Yep. Sure can be. Am I direct? Without question. If I have made up my mind, rest assured I have analyzed my position a million times in my head. You can try to change my mind but it won’t be easy. Am I abrasive? Most often. I like colorful adjectives. Am I real? 100% Do I love? Without hesitation. Do I help? Whenever I can within my means. I do have a heart. Do I take shit from people? Burn me once shame on you. Burn me twice shame on me. I don’t often repeat the same mistake twice. And I am learning more about boundaries.

I could add so much more…but why? This is basics.

So, yeah. Most people who look at me and take face value see something hard and uncaring. BUT, those people who have taken the time to get to KNOW me see something much deeper. I have things to give and am willing to for people who don’t take advantage of it. I’ve worked really hard to be where I am and I don’t even care about the financial part. I mean the mental, emotional, just as a PERSON part. I’m not going to give that up. So, I guess, deal with my HARD. It came naturally and if you care to see ALL of me, you’ll see more than just that.