When Hard Things Happen

When hard things happen it sometimes seems like all of the hard stuff comes in waves. You’ve got some moments of stillness and then BAM! The shit just hits the fan. A little more calm and then…yep…here we go again.

I’m working on a different outlook. One where I don’t tense up because I expect that hard stuff to be right around the corner. I mean, I know it will be there at some point. But, is fussing and stressing over it going to accomplish anything? No. Not really.

So, I will plan (which I’ve always done anyway…go me!), I will breathe (haven’t been so successful at that in the past), I will put one foot in front of the other, and I will climb the mountain in my path. It’s what I was born to do…even in the moments when I’ve forgotten that.

The Turning of a Page

I write today, because I find myself at a precipice. Jump? Or turn back? I am in a position where I have to make some very serious decisions – which I will. But I refuse to rush into them because I’m not sure that is wise. Over the last few years life has been hectic in all areas of it. Relationships, work, home….they’ve all presented some extremely hard obstacles. I’ve fumbled my way through them somehow. And now….I am in a position where I can take a breath. And I’ll take several of them before I start to find my new chapter. The turning of a page can be both exhilarating and scary. You never know what is to come….

Fucked up

I was recently told “I don’t know who fucked you up, but they ruined you for anyone else.” That hit me REALLY hard. I called my Mom. And in a gentle way, she kind of agreed. And I see part of where she was coming from. I’ve gone through some shit. I’m guarded and a little (ok maybe a lot) hard to get to relationship wise.

I started processing all of these feelings. WHY am I ruined? WHAT makes me ruined? And all of those self deprecating feelings came right to the surface. But why? Why was that the FIRST thing I felt? I remember as a teen no one could break me or bring me down. Didn’t give the first shit about what people thought. In some ways I miss that girl. It can be amazing and sad, at times, what a relationship can do to a person.

I suppose I have some healing to do. I spent a LOT of years in what I will just call a “struggle”. Now, it is time to recognize that I am still strong, have my family and friends, two feet that can carry me and a mind that is still coherent. I have learning to do….in many ways. I need patience and love, kind words and maybe a reassuring touch now and then (not too many – I have a personal space issue).

Fucked up or not…..I’m worth it. Take it or leave it. I am NOT ruined! I am perfectly me!