Shedding Old Skin

“There are so many things that I want to do…..and become.”

I heard these words tonight and they resonated with me. Walk with me through this thought process, please. Have you ever noticed the way people change over time? I heard a story once….and I don’t know if it’s true….but it could be. A man was asked how his marriage to one woman had lasted so long and they remained happy. His reply was that over the years it was like he had been married to multiple people. He learned to love each of them for who they were.

Why this response? Because his spouse grew, changed, grew some more, found new interests, lost some, found more of herself, changed again, shed some of the old and embraced some of the new. He had a deep respect for that. I, personally, think that can go both ways for either person in a relationship. What I find beautiful about his response is his ability to see deeper into his partner. To be open to the fact that people will grow and change. The person I was 20 years ago isn’t who I am now on some levels. The person I was 10 or 5 years ago isn’t who I am now. We are wired to grow and learn and change. We are wired to shed some old skin and want new experiences and to become better or different than we were in the past. That metamorphosis is beautiful! Think caterpillar, cocoon, butterfly – but several times in your life. Each time coming out of that cocoon new, maybe in some ways improved, and always beautiful! And it is SOOO not age restricted. To hell with – “I’m old and set in my ways” (in the cutest imaginable old person voice) and all that shit. I’ll always have a goal. I’ll always want to do something new – or something I already know but want to do better – or something different. I’ll always want to shed some of that old skin and feel a newness while still having the luxury of holding on to the wisdom of my years.

So, here is to change and growth!! May we all march forward to improve and add experience to our lives!

Much love! ❤

Tonight, I Cry

I’m not sure why. But the tears aren’t stopping. I’m not sure if it is because of relief, grief, memories, recent experiences. It’s just….happening. I had a little episode of this on Sunday when visiting with my Mom and remembering a moment. I, as is normal for me, quickly tried to brush away the few tears I let fall and wanted to change the subject. Momma looked at me and said “Baby, it really is ok to feel.” Tears have never been easy for me. I am trying to fix that. So, tonight, I cry. And I’m not going to try to stop it.

The Human Hurt

I am not a perfect person. I make mistakes, missteps, errors along my path. I believe that IS normal (if there is such a thing). I do, however, believe there is a line somewhere between a mistake and an all out failure. I don’t want this to sound crass or not understanding in any sense of those words. But, I simply cannot comprehend how someone can walk into a building a just kill people. I CAN’T. It is outrageous. Every life has value. My mother, for example. She brings joy to my life in many ways-with words of comfort, repeated stories, life lessons, just invaluable stuff. I don’t always agree but she has value. The guy at the convenience store who is working for really shit money but gives me a smile and says “Hey! You have a nice day!” I don’t really know him but he has value. The doctor or nurse who busts their ass to try and help in a time of need. Some even taking more time than scheduled. And then people complain about their care. Sometimes it pisses me off too, but they have value. The children, just trying to be kids and grow into adults whose mothers and fathers just want a moment to cradle them in their arms ONE.MORE.TIME. THEY HAVE VALUE. The teenagers who have, more or less, an entire lifetime in front of them – for it to be STOPPED SHORT. They are our future, and beyond that, they have value.

Take a moment to place yourself in each of these positions or roles. Take a moment to realize and remember how you either felt , or how you might have felt in each of these scenarios. I know people are talking left and right about gun reform. I certainly have an opinion about that, but that isn’t the purpose of this writing. I really just wish people would think about what is causing the violence in this country and what can correct it. Look outside of your proverbial box and let’s come up, together, no matter what side of the line you are on, to find a resolution.

The way I see it…..human hurt……is leading to a lot of innocent lives lost. Lets fix it. It just is not acceptable. “Mass shootings in the U.S. account for 73% of all 139 incidents occurring in developed countries between 1998 to 2019. During this time, 62% of all 1,318 fatalities from the attacks also happened in the states.” Anyone else see a problem with this?

Everyone wants to preach that we are a Christian country. Now, I’m not a Christian, but with stats as quoted as above…..it kind of seems like a lot of people who say they are….aren’t.

Winds of Change

I sit here tonight watching documentaries and, honestly, not doing much that is productive. Then….I hear the wind. It’s funny the things that get the wheels of your mind to grind. As much as I don’t want to jinx anything – I had really good news today. Hearing that wind makes me hopeful of things to come. Send me some good thoughts, good vibes, say a prayer, whatever it is that you choose to do to send some goodness to someone – I won’t turn it down. Here’s to the winds of change. It’s been a long time coming.

The Strength of a Woman

Have you ever taken a moment to think of the way some women operate? I, for a long time, didn’t. It was just what…was…at least for the women in my life. Today….today I saw it in prime picture.

My mother and I had an outing at a local gathering. Good food, good drinks, good times (and really damned good German mustard!). I received a necessary but unsettling call and stepped away to take it. Went back to Mom and continued our gathering. It really was a lovely afternoon.

Afterwards, I ended up at Mom’s . I returned that call due to it’s importance. Hence, I watched my mother break. For a moment. Her brother was gone. My uncle was gone. Within a matter of moments she was composed and calling others who should know. Putting the necessities before her own feelings…her own grief.

I’ve no doubt that in the coming days she will manage those feelings. But the fact that others were her priority, even in her pain….THAT is what I saw. She is a giver. She thrives on that. THAT is strength! I only hope that I have gotten some of that from her. ❤ The strength of a woman.

When Hard Things Happen

When hard things happen it sometimes seems like all of the hard stuff comes in waves. You’ve got some moments of stillness and then BAM! The shit just hits the fan. A little more calm and then…yep…here we go again.

I’m working on a different outlook. One where I don’t tense up because I expect that hard stuff to be right around the corner. I mean, I know it will be there at some point. But, is fussing and stressing over it going to accomplish anything? No. Not really.

So, I will plan (which I’ve always done anyway…go me!), I will breathe (haven’t been so successful at that in the past), I will put one foot in front of the other, and I will climb the mountain in my path. It’s what I was born to do…even in the moments when I’ve forgotten that.

The Turning of a Page

I write today, because I find myself at a precipice. Jump? Or turn back? I am in a position where I have to make some very serious decisions – which I will. But I refuse to rush into them because I’m not sure that is wise. Over the last few years life has been hectic in all areas of it. Relationships, work, home….they’ve all presented some extremely hard obstacles. I’ve fumbled my way through them somehow. And now….I am in a position where I can take a breath. And I’ll take several of them before I start to find my new chapter. The turning of a page can be both exhilarating and scary. You never know what is to come….

Fucked up

I was recently told “I don’t know who fucked you up, but they ruined you for anyone else.” That hit me REALLY hard. I called my Mom. And in a gentle way, she kind of agreed. And I see part of where she was coming from. I’ve gone through some shit. I’m guarded and a little (ok maybe a lot) hard to get to relationship wise.

I started processing all of these feelings. WHY am I ruined? WHAT makes me ruined? And all of those self deprecating feelings came right to the surface. But why? Why was that the FIRST thing I felt? I remember as a teen no one could break me or bring me down. Didn’t give the first shit about what people thought. In some ways I miss that girl. It can be amazing and sad, at times, what a relationship can do to a person.

I suppose I have some healing to do. I spent a LOT of years in what I will just call a “struggle”. Now, it is time to recognize that I am still strong, have my family and friends, two feet that can carry me and a mind that is still coherent. I have learning to do….in many ways. I need patience and love, kind words and maybe a reassuring touch now and then (not too many – I have a personal space issue).

Fucked up or not…..I’m worth it. Take it or leave it. I am NOT ruined! I am perfectly me!

“I” Statements

I have been reading back and have noticed something. (Funny with the title of this it starts off with an “I”). I have used a lot of “I” statements. It’s “I, I, I”. Self reflection probably has a lot to do with that which can be very positive and constructive, yet there is so much more. My intent is not only self reflection but also to share the person that I am at a much deeper level. There is another “I'”…Lord it’s kinda hard to not use that word.

Too much focus is being given, maybe, on how people perceive some of my things, actions, etc. A better…maybe not better but additional focus could be elsewhere. There is a world of people around me. They have value and desires and love and all of those beautiful things and they also deserve some attention. Shifting some focus. It’s time.

Mothers Are Angels

The title above, coming from me, should not be taken lightly. As my close friends know….I’m not religious. Not in the slightest. But, because of my background, I do associate the word “Angel” with something good, right, honest, loving, caring and very beautiful. Now that I’ve prefaced that….

I was talking to my Momma last night. She mentioned something that made me think. She said “I feel like when we talk you tend to write.” She isn’t wrong. My initial response to her was “It helps to talk through things. But, it has to come out through my fingers for me to feel better.” She completely understood. 100% She wasn’t offended. She didn’t feel like SHE wasn’t enough. What I saw was that she took the opportunity (and was thankful for it) to be a vessel for something that I needed. No judgement. Always there.

There were a LOT of years that I never even spoke to my Mother. In the past several years that has changed. In the last few years I speak to her daily. And my day is not complete unless I have heard her voice. It can be a 5 minute conversation (rare) or one that lasts for 2 hours. I fuss at her for talking to other people when we’re on the phone. She laughs at me when I get annoyed. She tells me when I’m being stupid. Then I get quiet because if she actually says that (she never actually calls me “stupid” cause my Momma is a little more creative with her constructive words) she’s usually right. And she tells me so. “Sissy….you know I’m right.” Yep, Momma, I do. You don’t call it unless you see it and you are one that can actually put me in my place in a positive way. Thank you.

She has my back all of the time. She talks me down if I get too angry. She talks sense into me when I’m being unreasonable (yeah it happens….don’t tell everyone…it’s a secret.) She supports me even if she doesn’t necessarily share the same type of opinion as long as I’m not doing any damage to another person which I always try VERY hard not to do. She is EVERYTHING a daughter could need. Especially a daughter like me.

I love and appreciate her with everything in me. I can only hope that I provide that same support, energy, love and affection to my children. She is a beautiful example. I would be honored to follow in those footsteps. Always an Angel to me.

And, Momma, it’s true. When we talk…..I write. I love you.