Never in my Life

I think back across my years. I think back across them frequently. Analyzing situations and scenarios, life events, decisions, circumstances, relationships, friendships and love.

I have been blessed during the course of my 42 years. I have learned a lot of lessons. I have felt joy and pain…just like any other soul out there. I have built some walls – to my benefit according to my belief at the time. I have trusted and made myself vulnerable – foolishly – in some circumstances. I have raised (with the help of a village) two amazing children and survived two marriages. I have, technically, experienced all of the life things that are just kind of assumed to be normal.

But , there is something new. Something different. Something unique and special and priceless. There is an acceptance, an acknowledgement, a spirit of pride and devotion, a commitment, an adoration, a desire, a comfort, a love. A love that is unmatched.
A love that I want to keep fueling. A love that I don’t ever want to see fade.

Never in my life have I been loved the way I feel loved by you.

Protected: My Love

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An Undying Light

Sometimes there are lights that never go out. I’ve witnessed some….and you are one.

I remember our first “meeting”. It was in the hallway at work. We were walking past each other and you stopped dead in your tracks and said – “I think I know you!”. I paused and looked at you and asked where from. “I think we are neighbors”, you said. I took a closer look and mentally separated myself from my work environment. I saw you across the street from me in your yard. Well, I’ll be damned! Sure as shit – you lived right across the street!

We became fast friends. In both work life and personal life.

I remember that time that you were working on that house out East. Up on the ladder conquering the beast of a project you had at hand….in your true nature. As you came down off that ladder the paint can dumped all over you. I would have bitched like a little school girl had it been me, but you just laughed and lifted your hands up like….”oh well”. I snapped a picture and I smile at your grace in that moment every time it comes up in my Facebook memories.

We sat on the roof in that neighborhood and watched fireworks. Enjoying the company of good friends and seeing something pretty in the moment. A memory never forgotten.

At work, I helped train you in one position….not to know that you would surpass me and train me in my next one. And, damn, you certainly knew how to train me! There was not a challenge put in front of you in that time that you could not overcome. Such a determined, intelligent, loving, friendly, caring person. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen a heart so big or a mind so focused.

The years passed; the friendship grew. So many laughs and deep conversations that were only shared between us. You were a confidante to me as I was to you. You taught me so much and I don’t think you ever realized that you did. But, I did. And I appreciate every word, every insight, every thought and opinion that you have provided. It is a friendship that will NEVER die, whether you are here with us anymore or not.

The last few years have been hard. I will not begin to pretend that I understand what you were going through, because I don’t. I want to, but I just can’t. That does not change the fact that I love you unconditionally. YOU, dear, ARE a light. A light that can NEVER die because it shined so brightly and beautifully on anyone you ever encountered. I will never refer to that light in the past tense. You left your mark….a very powerful one. It cannot be erased. You are forever in my heart, dear friend. I love you.

Rest easy, Kyndi Joy. You’ve found peace.

Your forever friend ❤

Blinded

When you are blinded by the physical…that is all you see. – “Joanne Campbell”

It is critical to say that this statement came from a blind woman. And so wise she was..

Let’s take a moment to dissect that quote. Seems like an oxymoron, right? Contradictory….but is it really?

This statement was recited to me recently. And it spoke volumes to me. So often, we are so enamored by physical features that we don’t see any deeper than that. It can become blinding.

Well, there is so much more to see. So much more that is so often more compelling and gorgeous than a physical appearance. So much that is deeper and more real than a fake face full of makeup and dressed up hair or a ragged appearance looking tired and forlorn.

I am grateful to have met someone that sees the person in me. The WHOLE one. The DEEP one. The one with all of the ugly as well as what is pretty and to accept each and every piece of it. Definitely not someone that is blinded by the physical. I am blessed.

Shedding Old Skin

“There are so many things that I want to do…..and become.”

I heard these words tonight and they resonated with me. Walk with me through this thought process, please. Have you ever noticed the way people change over time? I heard a story once….and I don’t know if it’s true….but it could be. A man was asked how his marriage to one woman had lasted so long and they remained happy. His reply was that over the years it was like he had been married to multiple people. He learned to love each of them for who they were.

Why this response? Because his spouse grew, changed, grew some more, found new interests, lost some, found more of herself, changed again, shed some of the old and embraced some of the new. He had a deep respect for that. I, personally, think that can go both ways for either person in a relationship. What I find beautiful about his response is his ability to see deeper into his partner. To be open to the fact that people will grow and change. The person I was 20 years ago isn’t who I am now on some levels. The person I was 10 or 5 years ago isn’t who I am now. We are wired to grow and learn and change. We are wired to shed some old skin and want new experiences and to become better or different than we were in the past. That metamorphosis is beautiful! Think caterpillar, cocoon, butterfly – but several times in your life. Each time coming out of that cocoon new, maybe in some ways improved, and always beautiful! And it is SOOO not age restricted. To hell with – “I’m old and set in my ways” (in the cutest imaginable old person voice) and all that shit. I’ll always have a goal. I’ll always want to do something new – or something I already know but want to do better – or something different. I’ll always want to shed some of that old skin and feel a newness while still having the luxury of holding on to the wisdom of my years.

So, here is to change and growth!! May we all march forward to improve and add experience to our lives!

Much love! ❤

Tonight, I Cry

I’m not sure why. But the tears aren’t stopping. I’m not sure if it is because of relief, grief, memories, recent experiences. It’s just….happening. I had a little episode of this on Sunday when visiting with my Mom and remembering a moment. I, as is normal for me, quickly tried to brush away the few tears I let fall and wanted to change the subject. Momma looked at me and said “Baby, it really is ok to feel.” Tears have never been easy for me. I am trying to fix that. So, tonight, I cry. And I’m not going to try to stop it.

The Human Hurt

I am not a perfect person. I make mistakes, missteps, errors along my path. I believe that IS normal (if there is such a thing). I do, however, believe there is a line somewhere between a mistake and an all out failure. I don’t want this to sound crass or not understanding in any sense of those words. But, I simply cannot comprehend how someone can walk into a building a just kill people. I CAN’T. It is outrageous. Every life has value. My mother, for example. She brings joy to my life in many ways-with words of comfort, repeated stories, life lessons, just invaluable stuff. I don’t always agree but she has value. The guy at the convenience store who is working for really shit money but gives me a smile and says “Hey! You have a nice day!” I don’t really know him but he has value. The doctor or nurse who busts their ass to try and help in a time of need. Some even taking more time than scheduled. And then people complain about their care. Sometimes it pisses me off too, but they have value. The children, just trying to be kids and grow into adults whose mothers and fathers just want a moment to cradle them in their arms ONE.MORE.TIME. THEY HAVE VALUE. The teenagers who have, more or less, an entire lifetime in front of them – for it to be STOPPED SHORT. They are our future, and beyond that, they have value.

Take a moment to place yourself in each of these positions or roles. Take a moment to realize and remember how you either felt , or how you might have felt in each of these scenarios. I know people are talking left and right about gun reform. I certainly have an opinion about that, but that isn’t the purpose of this writing. I really just wish people would think about what is causing the violence in this country and what can correct it. Look outside of your proverbial box and let’s come up, together, no matter what side of the line you are on, to find a resolution.

The way I see it…..human hurt……is leading to a lot of innocent lives lost. Lets fix it. It just is not acceptable. “Mass shootings in the U.S. account for 73% of all 139 incidents occurring in developed countries between 1998 to 2019. During this time, 62% of all 1,318 fatalities from the attacks also happened in the states.” Anyone else see a problem with this?

Everyone wants to preach that we are a Christian country. Now, I’m not a Christian, but with stats as quoted as above…..it kind of seems like a lot of people who say they are….aren’t.

Winds of Change

I sit here tonight watching documentaries and, honestly, not doing much that is productive. Then….I hear the wind. It’s funny the things that get the wheels of your mind to grind. As much as I don’t want to jinx anything – I had really good news today. Hearing that wind makes me hopeful of things to come. Send me some good thoughts, good vibes, say a prayer, whatever it is that you choose to do to send some goodness to someone – I won’t turn it down. Here’s to the winds of change. It’s been a long time coming.

The Strength of a Woman

Have you ever taken a moment to think of the way some women operate? I, for a long time, didn’t. It was just what…was…at least for the women in my life. Today….today I saw it in prime picture.

My mother and I had an outing at a local gathering. Good food, good drinks, good times (and really damned good German mustard!). I received a necessary but unsettling call and stepped away to take it. Went back to Mom and continued our gathering. It really was a lovely afternoon.

Afterwards, I ended up at Mom’s . I returned that call due to it’s importance. Hence, I watched my mother break. For a moment. Her brother was gone. My uncle was gone. Within a matter of moments she was composed and calling others who should know. Putting the necessities before her own feelings…her own grief.

I’ve no doubt that in the coming days she will manage those feelings. But the fact that others were her priority, even in her pain….THAT is what I saw. She is a giver. She thrives on that. THAT is strength! I only hope that I have gotten some of that from her. ❤ The strength of a woman.

When Hard Things Happen

When hard things happen it sometimes seems like all of the hard stuff comes in waves. You’ve got some moments of stillness and then BAM! The shit just hits the fan. A little more calm and then…yep…here we go again.

I’m working on a different outlook. One where I don’t tense up because I expect that hard stuff to be right around the corner. I mean, I know it will be there at some point. But, is fussing and stressing over it going to accomplish anything? No. Not really.

So, I will plan (which I’ve always done anyway…go me!), I will breathe (haven’t been so successful at that in the past), I will put one foot in front of the other, and I will climb the mountain in my path. It’s what I was born to do…even in the moments when I’ve forgotten that.